Becca over seas, scary aye?

 
This is mostly so I can remember the addy for this poem, but you guys can look at it too. Yay for love.

Wow
posted by Becca at 3:37 PM

 
Im in need of some loving right now. It seems like theyll never accept me for who I am...

To finish out the days documentation I should tell you that we just ate, that my family is packing now and then we are all going to go to sleep.

At dinner tonight Zack told the bi-regi joke. You know, the fact that every rally is going to be a bi-regi because Im there. The table stopped. There were a few nervous laughs and then my dad said, "Well.........." Silence. More silence. Ben then quickly began talking about something else. Thank god for ben.

I talked to Zack after dinner and apparently he didnt realize that mom and dad have problems with it. I believe him completely. Shands and I make jokes about it every time we are together and Zack is usually around. Its never been a big deal before.

Ben has no problem with it. He talks to me about girls and is fine when I talk about it. There is a little uneasiness, but the kind when youre talking about something thats new and possibly a touchy subject. Not the kind when everyone freezes and cant speak.

It hurts, a lot. It just really adds to the depression I was feeling earlier. Maybe not depression, lonlieness perhaps. Im lonely for someone who does understand, for someone who accepts me completely. Im lonely for someone who loves me because Im me and not despite who I am.

Why cant they just love me?

Now all of that stuff that Ive heard before comes rushing back in. Eternity, hell, damnation, wrong, sin. Damned. This is when I am challenged to love myself, challenged to know that I am perfect. Its so much harder when those around you dont see it.

Truthfully, I dont get called names and slurs in Joshua, at least not to my face. Everyone is much more accepting than I thought they would be, of me at least. Its just those moments around the lunch table when everyone stops. Those moments when I know that I have said to much and everyone clears their throats and changes the subject. I know they love me but it is in spite of who I am. In spite of the fact that Im going to hell because of my beliefs and feelings. They all pray for me, pray that I will be cured or find some answer. It is very nice of them, nice of them to love me that much, but that hurts too. "Cure Rebecca God, please help her save herself from this sin, cure her of her evil thoughts and deeds."

I never understood what was wrong with loving someone.

I just dont know what to do right now, that really cut me deep. I think its always going to be there too. I think my parents will always feel that way. My dad will always just ignore it, my mom will always resent it. She will always be hurt when I say a girls name, she will always be suspicious when I bring friends over. She wont ever trust me again. Ouch.

So now, my inner voice says, "Thats their shit, not yours, you can grow past that, you already have. You are amazing and wonderful, you make the room shine. You are great. Dont worry about it. Just be, have no expectation of what they think. Just be in the moment and know you are god, know that you are divine and that everything else is. These are just lessons, for you and everyone else involved. Let them learn theirs and you live yours. Love them. Love yourself. Love. Its ok to be sad and hurt, just learn from it, grow from it. Realize the deeper meaning is not hate, that the deeper meaning is clarity, it is growth. Be one in yourself and you know how hard that is. But you can do it. You can do it if you put your mind to it. You are limitless."

That was nice. I feel better. A little bit sad still, but its all good.

Yay for clarity.
posted by Becca at 3:27 PM

 
Im a little bit behind with my entries so Ive got a few days to write about, enjoy.

On Wednesday we woke up and ate breakfast on the balcony. The hotel is up on a side of a cliff that looks down on Sorento and the Mediteranian Sea. Mountains and even Mount Vesuvious *sp* can be seen out of the windows of our hotel room. Everything can be seen on the balcony.

After we ate, we took the hotel bus down to the train station and took the train to Pompeii.

Pompeii was very cool, really interesting. Zack and I wandered around by ourselves for awhile, which was nice. We just looked at random things and spent an hour looking for the House of Faun so I could see a statue in it. We must have walked by it a million times. It was worth it though.

We took the train back and then a bus to our hotel. I got online, talked to some of you, wrote some emails.

We ate dinner, went to bed. Thats about it I think.

When we woke up on Thursday we ate again on the balcony and then waited an hour, in which I got online and talked to wonderful people, and then took a bus down to the train station and the a bus along the Amafi coast.

It was a really long bus ride and apparently I didnt get as much out of it as the rest of my family. The Amafi coast isnt beaches but high cliffs over looking the water. It just seemed to get old after awhile. I was being really quite crabby, I have to admit.

After the bus ride we walked around, ate, walked around again and then took a two hour ferry back to Sorento. I slept most of that time, as did everyone else on the ferry. It was very relaxing and enjoyable.

We came back, I did the online thing, we ate, went to bed.

Today is Friday . My brothers and I woke up early to get ready and then I came to the lobby and got online, skipping breakfast, *oops.*

We road the bus to the train station and the train to Naples. At Naples we got on another train, rode one stop and walked to the museum where they keep all the art work from Pompeii. My mom was being really crabby, though she had good reason, and it kind of ruined the day for me. I didnt get to see the mosaics that I had been looking forward too and everyone spent the day in a quite, hushed murmur. If Mamma aint happy, aint nobody happy.

We came home on the train, then the bus and now Im here.

Yay for getting back on schedule.

Now for just Becca typing time- Ive been a real bum these last few days. Ive been crabby and mean and pouty the entire time, and Im in ITALY dang it. I realized this last night and I decided that today I would do better and I did, but my mom didnt. Her leg has a metal rod in it and it hurts when she walks. She had to climb around 300 stairs yesterday, when she shouldnt of had to. Shes in pain and shes crabby. It makes me want to do something for her, but I cant think of how to help. Very frusterating.

I havent talked to Mayra in about a week in a half and I dont like it. She and I barely know each other, have never met face to face, and yet I miss her. I really would like to be in a relationship with someone and right now I want that someone to be her. I was going to say that there isnt anyone else but I didnt like the conotation that has. She is by no means a last resort. Like I said before, I have plenty of options, just none that I want to take. I know that she and I will at least be friends when she moves to TCU, so that will be great.

Meh, thats how I feel today, or at least right in this moment. I wish more people were on for me to talk to.




posted by Becca at 11:55 AM

 
On Tuesday We woke up and took our luggage to the train station and then headed to the Forum and Palantine hill.

Both the Roman Forum and Palantine Hill are ancient ruins of a once prosperous Rome. They fascinated me the first time I saw them, but now that I know that theyre real, its not as big a deal. I enjoyed telling Zack, who hadnt seen either yet, the history and mythology behind the places. He and I escaped from the rest of the group and walked around the Forum by ourselves, laughing and joking and complaining about our family. Good bonding time.

After that we ate lunch and waited a very long time for our train to get there. I spent the entire time thinking about Unity and YOU and everything Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance talked about. My search for clarity, for quality in my life and in the lives of others. I started writing a really detailed, analytical paper on the Unity Principles that I might use for my letter of introduction to the region. Thats my first offical duty as a regi *does a nervous excited dance*

I spent the entire time on the train pondering the things I said before and writing two pages of that paper, I still have to finish it. After that train ride of about two hours, we had another train ride of an hour. I just stared out the window for that one. Then there was a ten minute bus ride before we got to our hotel in beautiful, wonderful Sorento.

We ate dinner, checked email *yay for unexpected internet access* and headed to our rooms. Ben and I sat on the balcony looking at the sea and the stars and the mountains and the volcano for a really long time. We talked about a lot of stuff, girls, marriage and everything else. He thinks he is going to marry Rebecca. Wow.

Then we went to bed.
posted by Becca at 3:01 AM

 
June 29, 2003

Ive got a lot on my mind so I m going to try and get the daily logs over quickly so I can write about my thoughts and emotions.

On Saturday we woke up, grabbed some pastries and headed to another musuem. I cant remember the name, though I do remember the most important thing; I saw Michelangelos David. It was really amazing and really tall. I think one of the books we read said that he was 14ft tall, which I can definatly believe. The attention payed to the musculature and posture of David by Michelangel is breathtaking. The post cards and pictures in books do not even begin to do justice to the sculpture.

After David , we headed to the Domou, an ancient church wtih the second largest dome in the world. I know that Im going to butcher this name, but its called Bruchellis Dome because, well, Bruchelli designed it. I could go into a lot of detailed history here, but basically, this dome was modeled after the Pantheons dome and the dome on St. Peters Basillica was modled after Bruchellis. Yay for history! Any way, Ben, Zack, Dad and I climbed to the dome (462 stairs, very steep) while Mom waited in the churc. t was an amazing view from the outside and the inside was just as beautiful.

When we came down we headed to the train station and waited an hour or so for our train and then headed for Rome. The train took longer than we expected, so we didnt get to take a bus tour that we had wanted to but we did get to eat!!! Mom and Zack grabbed some Mickey Ds while the other three of us ate real Italian food *does a dance*. Then we went to bed.

The next day, Sunday, we woke up and ate breakfast, though not a very good one. The day didnt start off really all that great, every one was kind of crabby.

We headed for the coloseum and spent awhile walking around there and seeing the sights. The coloseum is really quite amazing and though Ive seen it befor e, a few years ago, I was still awed while looking at it. There really is no way to describe it.

After that we walked to the Forum but it was closed for a srike. Everything but the Coloseum was closed because of strikes. We were a little frusterated so we ate and headed back to the hotel.

My parents went to their room while my brothers and I hung out in ours. I cut up some magazines for the regi diary decoration (Donnas diary that she gave me), wrote some stuff in there and read part of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and then fell asleep.

When I woke up, we all went out and walked for a long time. We walked throught he square where I had my portrait sketched a few years ago and to an amazing statue/fountain thing. It was beautiful. Somewhere in there we ate and got gelato, Italian ice cream. Then we came back to the hotel an I starte writing this, got halfway through it, took a shower and went to bed.

So now, today is Monday. We all woke up in much better moods, Im guessing because of that 5 hour nap we took the day before. Any way, we ate and took the Metro, Romes version of the London Tube, to te Vatican stop and got off. From there we joined our tour group.

*Smiles* I have this thing with having crushes on our tour guides in Rome. I guess we ve only had two so its not all that bad lol. Its hard not to be attracted to beautiful, tanned women who have a huge amount of knowledge and love for both history and art. The most attractive thing in the world is an intelligent person.

So we went on a tour of the Vatican Museum, saw the Sistene Chapel again. Even though it was for the second time it was still breathtaking. I cannot begin to describe it, much like the coloseum but not. My awe in regards to the to the first is one of the brutal power of humans and the second is one of the artistic creation of humans; both are wonderful, just different in ways.

We ate luch anmd then headed to St. Peters Basillica.

Even though I am very NOT Catholic, I love St. Peters. It is a masterpiece of art and archetecture. IT has tis feeling, this warmness in it that calls me, very much like open hearted love. I honestly thought about becoming Catholic today and the realized that who I am is a crime agains6t the church. I think Im in love with the building though.

After the tour, my brothers and I took the elevator halfway up the dome and then climbed the rest of the way to the top. It was gorgeous. The wind was moving around me and through me. I felt free to fly out into the sky and over Rome. I really wanted to.

And now Im at the hotel room. Its 5:45 pm and 10:45 am at home, so half of you probably arent awake yet. Im feeling pretty good right now, feeling really alive. Im a little lonely, but I always feel that way in Europe. Im missing my friends, my soulmates, my family group, my car. I have so much I want to share with all of you, everything from rally ideas to silly sighs, ideas to laughter.

I wish I could talk to Analise. I feel like she and I have ghrown so much together. Bi-regi was a bg switch of feelings. I was strong this time and she was vunerable, its usually the other way around. It was very different.

I miss everyone. Im ok with that though, Im just fine. I just wish that i could fly home for a day and hangout and come right back. I have 3 or 4 dreams a week like that every time Im in Europe.

I would really like to have someone to date. Someone who I could talk to about what Ive been seeing these last few days in hopes of bringing her to them some day. I want to bring some gorgeous girl with me to Rome and LOndon and Venice some day. I want to be able to share that deep connection that I have with the world around me with someone that I have an even deeper conncetion with.

Ive got lots of prospects, lots of people who like me but none who I can love more than friends. There are plently of girls who I would like to date but they are either to far away or not intersted or both. I am talking to a girl named Mayra, from Peru, who is really amazing. She is going to be attending TCU in the fall, which is where my father teaches, my big brother goes to college and where I will be attending in a year or so. I like her alot bt I have yet to meet her face to face and who knows what will happen then. I n the very least I know I will have found another friend.

Well, Ive written, alot, and you poor souls, have decided to read it all. This is nine pages so far, yikes! I hope you all are enjoying this, I am. Much love beautifuls. Good bless.


posted by Becca at 11:31 AM

 
Here we go, its the start of a whole month of Becca typing an ass load of stuff. I hope you all enjoy. *Pssshhhttttt* Im writing this on an Italian keyboard so some of my typing may seem really messed up and I will be missing several punctuation thingies, like an apostrophe. Any way, Im kind of crazy about order so Im going to start with my first day of the trip. This is all written in my journal and then typed so it may seem a little weird. Enjoy:

Ready Go!!!

June 27, 2003

I guess I should write a little bit about what Ive been doing these last few days...

Tuesday We spent a long time getting ready only to realize that my dad had told us the wrong time or that we had misunderstood what he said. I had thought we were going to be at the airport at 12:00 when we didnt even have to leave until 1:00. So I called Shands and we talked. He and I are still in a bit of a shock, but its a good thing. Nothing big happened at the airport, got there on time and all that good stuff. I tried calling Katrina and Eric, didnt get to talk to either of them though. We boarded the plane and took off an hour later than we were supposed to. Someone hadnot shown up for the flight and their luggage had to be removed from the plane for caution. Then, I watched Chicago and slept, finally after around 2 weeks of almost no sleep, around six straight hours.

We landed in England on Wednesday, an hour late and, to make a long story short, missed our connecting flight to Bolonga, where we were supposed to hop on a train to Florence, which is actually named Firenze. Crazy English change the names of cities in Europe all the time, especially in Italy. Oh well, anyway, we didnàt get to do all that and we ended up staying in a bed and breakfast a little way away from the airport. It was nice, though nothing special.

On Thursday we spent the day traveling. Plane flight, bus ride, train station, lots of waiting, train and more waiting, 30 mile walk to hotel (ok, not really, but it felt like that), dinner and gelato,(the best ice cream in the world) and to bed. Oh, and I started and finished Wide Sargasso Sea,one of my assigned reading assignments as well. Let me reiterate, lots and lots of waiting.

Today is Friday and I enjoyed it. We woke at 6:30 am, about 11:30pm for those of you at home, and got ready. We walked to the Uffizi Gallery, along the way eating pastries for breakfast. The Uffizi was interesting, but definatly not the best art museum Ive seen. The highlights of the museum were the continous comparison of DaVinci and Michelangelo and the painting of Venus being born form the ocean. I loved that. *Does Mythology Dork Dance*.

After that my dad needed to buy our train tickets for tomorrow (Rome) so we waited outside the American Express place for a really long time because apparently, they sell train tickets there. I fell asleep sitting down lol, I havent quite adjusted to the time difference yet.

As soon as he had bought the tickets we went, had lunch, and headed for a sculpture museum which was nice. It didnt have anything absolutely amazing in it, it was mostly bits and pieces of former complete works. There was one statue that made an attempt at a bleeding open wound, which I have never seen before. Muey interestante.

When we finished there we headed back to our hotel rooms. I started reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. It is a different book, but I like it. I fell asleep and had a really strange dram about soccer. Old coaches and playing and watching and a really weird scene with a baseball game and the a boy, a girl and a weird house where the government spied on us as the boy kissed me and the girl played a game boy. Very strange.

We went out to eat and get gelato after we all woke up and then we headed right back to the rooms. My mom is having a lot of trouble with her hip and her leg so we are trying to keep walking down to a minimum, which is almost impossible in Europe.

This trip should be interesting, Rebecca, Bens girlfriend, is going to be staying with us in London for two weeks, my grandparents on my dads side are going to be in London for two weeks, Celeen is going to be in London almost the entire time I am and my friend Sarah Bishop, formerly from the Lakes Region, lives in Englan and is planning to visit me. Oh, and this is Zacks first London triop with the family, though he did go to Scotland with another of my dads classes last year. Yep. Thats my story and Im sticking to it. Much love and good bless.
posted by Becca at 10:47 AM